Scooter

I want a Scooter from The Scooter Store.

Or one of those places.

I don't need a scooter, though someday I might. I just want one.

Did ya ever see the commercial where they say, "If we pre-qualify you for a scooter - I guess with any agency that will pay for it - and you don't get a scooter, we'll give you a scooter."

So, what are they saying is, what have we got to lose? Pre-Qualify means simply that you're qualified, so they're already assured of being paid. If you don't pre-qualify, then YOU have to finance it some other way and they're out nothing. Oh, they'll help with financing, probably at 18% interest or so.

It sounds good when they say it but they're simply saying, anyway you look at it, we're not going to lose one cent on this deal, now, aren't we nice?

I might pay for one because they are cool. There is one that looks like it might be top-heavy, thereby prone to tipping over. I don't want that one unless it's used strictly in the house but I want to be able to use it everywhere and it has to have at least two red flags waving from those long, springy whip antenna-like poles. I want to drive mine to the mall especially around Christmas and bump into people in the stores who, even though they get annoyed inside, try not to show it on the outside because, after all, I'm in a scooter.

At home, well I'm worried about banging into things like my walls and cabinets, chipping or denting the heck out of everything, not to mention neck whiplash and end up wearing a neck collar. Did you ever notice an inordinate amount of people driving those things are wearing neck collars?

 I'm not worried about chasing my granddaughters around because they're still young enough to love it. The baby will love being allowed to ride with me - even better - to steer my scooter all over the house - banging into things, like the chair their mother is sitting in, over and over and over.  That, since they would know I didn't really need one, might not be so funny, but hey, I am their father.

My kids would have no hand in getting my scooter because, did you ever see the Seinfeld episode where Kramer and George had to buy a scooter for a girl and they got a used one whose brakes failed and sent her careening out of control down a hill?

That's why.

The whole idea here is to be sarcastic about how much (remember, I hate commercials) those scooter companies try to come off as altruistic, wanting to join their chair with anyone who needs one, as long as they're "pre-qualified", now, aren't they wonderful?

I guess the upstairs would be off-limits unless I installed one of those stair elevators and I would but only if I were pre-qualified.

 

Disclaimer: No one who needs a scooter, must have one, need be offended. Before there was such things, what was there? I'm super-glad that they have them and that tax-payers are often able help them get one. This has not, nor is not, about you.